Good Pies

297 Barkly St, Footscray, Victoria

You’re hearing it more and more these days; “Ross, if you’re going to write about pies, you have to go to Pie Thief”. People must be saying it to you, because I hear it so often that it couldn’t possibly just be me people are saying it to. That would be unusual.

Thing is, I hardly ever go far west of the Hoddle Grid unless I fuck up that confusing bit on the Bolte that spurts you out across the Westgate if you don’t have complete situational awareness or (historically) if my mate Northy is throwing a belter of a Christmas party in Seddon. I’ve been thinking of getting to Pie Thief for ages, but just the idea of having to negotiate Ardern St and everywhere else (pretty sure Curzon St is involved) has kept me stapled to the couch every time I’ve considered it.

That changed today. A superb friend of mine (yes, I know you’re reading this) invited me over to have a wander about with them and sweetened the deal by agreeing to take me for a walk to Pie Thief for lunch. After my first trip to Bunnings for the day (it’s Sunday, which is normally a Double-Bunnings) I scooted across to Footscray and then the two of us meandered up Barkly Street , dog in tow.

There’s a lot of great things about Footscray, which I know mostly because people from Footscray absolutely will not let you stay ignorant about how great Footscray is. I was especially pleased when we stumbled across a sausage nestled in a door handle. Presumably someone had already been to Bunnings, bought one too many sausages, and decided to pay it forward.

Now, remember about one minute ago when I said that I’ve stayed couch-wise before every time I’d thought about going to Pie Thief? It’s not just because I’m lazy and get lost driving through North Melbourne. So many people had told me to go to Pie Thief that I’d become a bit obstinate about it. I’ll do this sometimes because I’m an idiot; people will tell me something is great and that I simply MUST experience it and then I go out of my way not to experience for no particular reason other than it’s fun. I successfully avoided seeing The Godfather until I was almost fifty years old just because I loved watching the veins on people’s temples whenever they started talking about The Godfather and I’d say I hadn’t seen it but that I did think Goodfellas was ok. I will keep a bit like this going for decades (obviously I am an idiot for doing this and you should not try this at home).

I did eventually watch The Godfather a couple years back and sure, it’s fine, but it’s no Once Upon A Time In The West.

First thing you notice about a Pie Thief pie is their shape. You know how every now and then you see a bloke who’s about 5’8 but absolutely ripped and you know that if push came to shove he’d turn complete bull terrier on anyone who underestimated them? Kinda small, but perfectly formed; my grandfather would have called him ‘nuggety’. Pie Thief pies are that guy in pie form. On first glance you underestimate them but they will teach you some humility when it matters.

The Thai Red Chicken Curry is an absolute unit. The buttery pastry does a bang-up job of holding together as you chomp your way through a light chilli filling with some truly surprisingly-sized chonks of chicken lurking around inside. Even though the casing is light and soft to the touch, it holds on the whole way through and makes sure that 100% of the pie ends up in your gob. I backed it up a the pork and fennel sausage roll so good that it has me wondering if I’ve been missing out on this whole sausage roll thing every time I’ve wolfed down a second pie. As a one-two, the pie/sausage roll combo at Pie Thief is a winner and you should go down there to get yourself situated as soon as you can.

Anyway, after all that I went to Bunnings again because it was a Sunday. Nobody was there selling sausages and if Melbourne still had a decent broadsheet someone would write a 7000 word story blowing the doors right off that mystery and that person would win a Walkley. 🥧